Chapter 11 - Becoming Me
From THX Series Hub: The Narcissist’s Playbook & The Life After
A Reflection for Anyone Still in the Fire—or Just Beginning to Heal
Author’s Note: This is not a step-by-step. It is a slow unfolding. It is about identity after abuse, trust after betrayal, and the daily, ordinary courage it takes to choose yourself after being trained to disappear.
I’ve struggled to find myself.
To believe I matter.
To prioritize myself.
To feel worthy of joy, of rest, of softness.
To breathe without flinching.
To live without apology.
I’m still working through the betrayal.
The near-death moments. The threats. The confusion.
The PTSD that flares in an instant—when I see a car like hers, or hear a phrase with just the right (or wrong) tone.
But I’m also becoming.
And not just becoming anyone—becoming me.
I hear it in the voices of old friends.
Friends who’ve known me for ten, fifteen, twenty years.
“I’ve never seen you smile like this.”
“You laugh differently now.”
“You’re the version of yourself your daughters have always known—but now the world gets to meet him, too.”
That version is rising. Slowly. Steadily. Authentically.
I’ve found support—real support—in professionals who help me navigate the trauma, the grief, the untangling.
They help me take the next step.
They help me see who I’ve always been, underneath the fear.
They help me name what I value—not what I was told to value.
They guide me as I discard myths and inherited legends, and replace them with:
Logic.
Love.
And a deep, insatiable curiosity for the human experience.
I’ve returned to something that has guided me for years—something I now hold even closer:
"If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to live the life which they have imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. They will pass through invisible boundaries; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within them; or the old laws will be expanded and interpreted in their favor in a more liberal sense, and they will live with the license of a higher order of beings."
—Henry David Thoreau, Walden
This quote has been my code.
My compass.
My whispered mantra through the roughest storms and the darkest nights.
It reminds me that when I step in the direction of who I truly am, something sacred shifts.
The world itself begins to bend—internally and externally—to make room for a life that fits.
Not perfectly. Not easily. But truthfully.
I’ve passed through invisible boundaries.
Old laws—of fear, silence, self-erasure—are dissolving.
And in their place, I am discovering a life governed by grace, presence, and peace.
And this—engraved on a leather wallet by my daughter the first Christmas after we left—is the everyday reminder that sustains me:
“Do what you can, with what you have, right here, right now.”
That quote—paraphrased from Roosevelt—was shared by a mentor years before.
Now it’s stitched into my daily life.
Because this is what healing is:
Not a grand gesture.
Not a dramatic act.
But a thousand quiet, present, intentional steps toward becoming the person I no longer have to hide.
A Word to You
If you are in an abusive relationship, or healing from one—this is what I want to say to you:
You are not the problem.
You are not broken.
And you are not alone.
You may not know who you are yet. That’s okay.
Start by noticing when you feel most like yourself.
Start by doing what you can, with what you have, right here, right now.
Hold on to one truth today—just one—and follow it like a lifeline.
Let it guide you through the next hour. The next choice. The next breath.
And then the next.
That’s how you become free.
That’s how you become whole.
That’s how you become you.
Interpretation: The bold typography and dark backdrop reflect the power and gravity of self-reclamation. It’s a quiet assertion of identity after years of erasure—a statement that no longer requires permission.