Chapter 1: The Illusion of Utility
From the THX Series Hub: The Narcissist’s Playbook & The Life After
Author’s Note
This post reflects personal experience and observed patterns. It is not a clinical diagnosis.
If you’re in or recovering from a high-control relationship, please take care while reading. You may recognize moments that feel familiar, confusing, or painful. You are not imagining it. You are not alone. And you are allowed to pause whenever you need.
What happened to you was real.
Your story matters.
And you deserve the clarity that sets you free.
How narcissists appear to meet your needs—until they use those needs against you.
For years, I thought something was wrong with me.
I felt anxious in conversations that weren’t technically “arguments.” I walked on eggshells in a house I was told was full of love. I was grateful for the good days, and told myself the bad ones were my fault.
It wasn’t that she never showed up for me.
It’s that she showed up just enough—and always with strings.
Looking back, I see what was missing:
Not affection. Not attention.
Utility. Real, functional, human utility.
I created the 12 Utilities framework in my professional life to help organizations meet real human needs—like security, access, clarity, consistency, and closure.
But I never imagined how much it would help me name what I didn’t get at home.
This post breaks down how narcissists simulate utility—not to serve, but to control. And how each of those “helpful” behaviors were carefully constructed illusions that kept me small.
1. Availability
My Experience:
She said she’d always be there. And in some ways, she was—watching, eavesdropping, monitoring. I once found her notes from when she hid on the stairs, listening to my work calls. She wasn’t present. She was surveilling.
But when I was drowning—juggling client work, our daughters’ medical needs, and the slow suffocation of our marriage—she vanished. I was alone in the room, even when she was ten feet away. Her silence wasn’t absence. It was punishment.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists appear available—but only when it serves their ego or control. They withdraw emotionally to destabilize you, then reappear when you’ve become dependent on their return.
The Takeaway:
Availability is not presence. Real availability is about showing up consistently for your needs, not just their comfort.
2. Access
My Experience:
She had access to everything. My calendar. My thoughts. My private conversations. But when I asked for clarity, I hit a wall. If I set boundaries, I was “controlling.”
Her access was assumed. Mine was earned—then denied.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists demand access but fear being known. They use one-sided transparency to monitor and control—but never allow it in return.
The Takeaway:
Healthy access is mutual, respectful, and clear. If someone always knows everything about you—but you know almost nothing about them—that’s surveillance, not intimacy.
3. Security
My Experience:
I slept on the couch for nearly a year—not because I was distant, but because I didn’t feel safe. I kept a phone nearby to record what I couldn’t prove. One day, after she triggered a life-threatening allergic reaction, she asked about firearms I had been gifted. The questions felt too strategic. I got rid of them within 24 hours.
I was afraid. Not of what I would do—but of what she might say I would do.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists offer the appearance of safety—but undermine it behind closed doors. They weaponize fear, silence, and the threat of being misunderstood.
The Takeaway:
If your home feels like a trap, you’re not paranoid—you’re adapting. Safety is not the absence of harm. It’s the presence of peace.
4. Clarity
My Experience:
She said I was being dramatic. That I was “making it up.” Even after repeated allergic reactions—she said, “You’re not really allergic.”
She’d change the story, shift timelines, accuse me of lying. Eventually, I started recording conversations just to remember what was real.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists remove clarity by design. They shift narratives, deny evidence, and punish questions.
The Takeaway:
Real clarity doesn’t punish curiosity. If you’re second-guessing your memory to survive the conversation, you’re not confused—you’re being gaslit.
5. Ease of Use
My Experience:
She offered to handle things. Said she was “making life easier.” And for a time, it helped.
But the ease became entitlement. If I did things without her, I was “ungrateful.” If I relied on myself, I was punished.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists provide selective ease to create dependence. What feels like help becomes obligation—and then a weapon.
The Takeaway:
If the help comes with guilt, it’s not help—it’s leverage.
6. Accuracy
My Experience:
Facts stopped mattering. She twisted events, rewrote conversations, and denied things she’d said—even when the evidence was there. Truth became a moving target.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists rewrite the record to preserve their image. Precision is a threat, because clarity leads to accountability.
The Takeaway:
Accuracy matters. If truth is always negotiable, so is your sanity.
7. Speed
My Experience:
She moved fast—too fast. Love bombing, future promises, declarations. Then, when I needed time or space, I was “cold” or “ungrateful.”
The Playbook Move:
Speed is used to bypass discernment. Fast engagement, slow repair.
The Takeaway:
Genuine love can wait. Manipulation rushes.
8. Consistency
My Experience:
There were good days. But I never knew when the rules would change. I braced for the fallout. She’d change expectations without telling me—I just had to keep up.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists use inconsistency to keep you disoriented. The highs keep you hopeful. The lows keep you compliant.
The Takeaway:
Love should feel safe, not suspenseful.
9. Closure
My Experience:
We never resolved anything. She’d say “Let’s move forward,” but the pattern repeated. Even after separation, she tried to keep the door open—not for reconciliation, but for control.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists deny closure to preserve power. They linger in your mind, inbox, or story—controlling the ending.
The Takeaway:
Closure isn’t something they give you. It’s something you claim.
10. Emotion Evoked
My Experience:
She triggered awe, then shame. Delight, then confusion. I chased the emotional high to avoid the next crash.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists engineer emotional dependency. Your nervous system is trained to seek relief—from them.
The Takeaway:
Emotional whiplash isn’t intimacy. It’s control.
11. Resource
My Experience:
My time, energy, money, and focus were always on her. I lost work hours, missed sleep, and burned through emotional reserves trying to keep things stable.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists drain your resources while demanding gratitude for the chaos.
The Takeaway:
If it costs you your health, peace, or purpose—it’s too expensive.
12. Value
My Experience:
I was praised for performance, resented for rest. Loved for strength, abandoned in weakness.
The Playbook Move:
Narcissists assign value based on utility. You’re “amazing” when you serve their needs—and disposable when you don’t.
The Takeaway:
If your worth depends on what you give—not who you are—it’s not love. It’s a transaction.
Final Words
What narcissists offer isn’t utility—it’s illusion.
A carefully calibrated pattern of almost-meeting your needs to keep you off balance, grateful, and dependent.
But once you learn what real utility feels like—mutual, respectful, safe—you’ll never mistake the counterfeit version again.
Quick Links
Framework-based essays that decode the patterns, tactics, and predictable emotional logic of narcissistic behavior.
🔹 Chapter 1: The Illusion of Utility
Narcissists appear helpful, generous, and supportive—but what they offer isn’t true utility. This post unpacks how they simulate usefulness to create dependence, and how recognizing what was missing can be the first step toward freedom.
Using the lens of human flourishing, this piece explores how narcissists mimic love, meaning, and growth—not to connect, but to control. When every good thing gets twisted, how do you tell what’s real?
🔹 Chapter 3: Twisting the Admiration Equation
Admiration should feel earned, mutual, and expansive. But narcissists distort it into obligation. This post reveals how they manipulate skill, goodness, awe, and gratitude to extract loyalty—and punish doubt.
🔹 Chapter 4: When Admiration Becomes Worship
This entry shows what happens when admiration is no longer enough. Narcissists demand reverence, punish independence, and expect silence in the face of harm. Love is replaced by performance—and dissent becomes betrayal.
🔹 Chapter 5: Prospect Theory and Narcissism
Why do narcissists explode over small things? This post uses behavioral economics to explain how narcissists experience boundaries, autonomy, and truth as losses—and why they’ll do anything to avoid them.
🔹 Chapter 6: The Micro-Moment Manipulation
Sometimes what keeps us hooked isn’t the big promises—it’s the little moments. This piece explores how narcissists use micro-moments of affection and relief to reset your hope and obscure the harm.
🔹 Chapter 7: RKYC for Survivors
Originally designed as a business tool, “Really Know Your Customer” becomes a healing practice here. This post helps survivors rediscover their truth, needs, and voice—after years of emotional distortion.
A quiet offering for those who stayed too long, left too late, or are still trying to name what happened. This piece honors survivors, holds space for grief, and speaks to the person you used to be.
📖 Author’s Note & Series Closure
This final entry reflects on why the series was written, how the THX frameworks helped decode personal experience, and what it means to move forward—with clarity, dignity, and your story intact.